My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
