You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
do herpes really smell.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
