how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
