I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Randomize
