I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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