I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
