I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
