Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
