Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Less talking, more tequila
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
