if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
