I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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