My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
