i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
