Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
