I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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