It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
