Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You're like the curious george of whores
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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