Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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