This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
