i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
