I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
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