oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
