I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
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