I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
