My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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