The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
