Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
