So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
