One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
