I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
