The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
