I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
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