Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
