His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize