I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
