My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
