I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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