Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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