I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
