omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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