Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
