At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize