grandma shit on top of the toilet
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I deserve to be covered in dicks
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
