I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
