Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
