OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
