im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
