oh god the rape fog is back!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
last night I used snow as a chaser
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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