Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
