there was a trapeze. enough said
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
