My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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