we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
