do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
