Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
