I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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