mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize