I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
