Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
don't judge my taste in strippers
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
